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The New Guy/Script
is in his security office. By him is another person, clad in the same security uniform. They scan the console bank. Ron: "Security isn't just a job! It's a way of life. It's a vocation. Like becoming a priest or a heart surgeon." new guy chuckles. Ron looks at him humorlessly. Kai: "Oh, you were serious." Ron: "The point is, you serve a higher power." Kai: "If you say so." Ron: "I do say so. You've got to be on guard at all times against the forces of chaos and anarchy. TEENAGERS! Teenagers are the gum on the shoe of the mall security officer. As of today, they are your enemy! I'm about to show you a list of the mall's most wanted. I want you to learn their faces, their habits. What they eat for breakfast!!!" Kai: "Aye aye, sir." Ron: "This isn't a ship! You will address me as Officer Ron! Or by my code name! Viper." Kai: "Okay Mr. Viper." Ron: "Not Mister Viper. Just Viper." Kai: "Sorry." Ron: "I have assigned each of them a code name. Nikki. Codename: Nosering. She's mean. She's tough. She'll kick you when you're down and eat macaroni and cheese on your grave. Wyatt, AKA Coffeepot. Don't let the floppy, sad, puppy look fool you. He can read." Kai: "Can't everybody?" stares at him, an odd look on his face. Soon enough, though, he turns back to the monitors. Ron: "Next, Jen, codename: Gymsock. She appears to be an average girl. But it's the quiet ones who always surprise you!" Kai: "Who's the fox?" Ron: "Caitlin, codename: Cupcake. Oh, she's got the cutie-pie routine down really good. But she's just like the lemonade she serves. Full of sugar! And lemons. Moving on! And now the hard cases. Repeat offenders. These dudes are hardcore criminals." Kai: "Can we go back to Cupcake?" Ron: "Negative! Concentrate! Jude. Codename: Hang 10. A clown, who takes every opportunity to flout authority! But he's just a stooge compared to the chairman of the board over there! Jonesy, AKA Maverick. He's a walking crime wave. After a few years on the job, you'll have the tools you need to take these lollygaggers down. Now! Ready for your first bust?" shrugs, somewhat confused. Ron: "Good. Because as of today, we're going on a blitz, soldier! Let's roll." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The New Guy' ---- ''and Jude are sitting by the lemon as Caitlin works. A Greeter Goddess walks by. Jonesy: "Hey gorgeous, what's up?" Greeter Goddess: "Drop dead, skeeze." Jonesy: "Man I love the food court." chuckles. "Dude, how long have we been sitting here?" Jude: "Don't know." Ron: down a ticket "Thirty-one minutes! You are officially loitering. And get those shoes off my table." removes his shoes from the table. Kai and Caitlin start chatting. Caitlin: flirtatious "Hello." Ron: "Officer Kai! Front and center!" the three teens "Now you're all officially on notice! Now that I finally have some backup, I'll be tightening the leash on this mall! Consider yourselves...warned." and Kai leave. Jonesy: "This blows." ---- and Nikki are at the Gigantoplex, looking at movie posters. Nikki: "Jumping Off the Boat? What kind of a dumb movie's that?" Wyatt: "It's about these two rescue workers in Rwanda who meet by chance, flee to freedom, and are then forced by pirates to jump off the luxury cruise ship–" fakes yawning. "Oh, forget it." Nikki: "N-n-n-no, go on. It sounds really stimulating." Wyatt: sighing "It was the kind of movie Serena and I would like, okay?" Nikki: "Wyatt, when are you going to realize that Serena has moved on, and you should too?" shoves a ticket in Nikki's face. Nikki: "What's this for?" Ron: "The mall has a dress code." Nikki: "Since when?" Ron: "Since...right now. No facial piercings!" Nikki: "What are you, some kind of fascist?!?" Ron: a beat "I...don't know what that is. But it earns you a warning!" and Kai leave. Nikki: "And who's the little mini-you? Shouldn't you be teaching him how to pull his pants up to his chest?" ---- and Jen are sitting on a bench. Caitlin: "I can't believe the deal I got on those pumps. And the bikini! And the cute shorts!" security officers peer out from behind a potted plant. Jen: "You really do have great shopping karma." Caitlin: "I think it's 'cause I practice so much." Ron: up Caitlin's bag "Is this your bag?" Caitlin: "Huh?" Ron: "We have an unattended bag! Officer Kai, call the bomb disposal unit!" Kai: "The what?" Caitlin: "But–it's just a bikini." Ron: "I'll have to search it." Caitlin: "No way!" grabs her bag. "You can't just search me! I know my rights." Ron: a ticket "Obstructing an officer." Jen: "Oh come on, you're kidding me." Ron: "That makes one for you too, Gymsock." Jen: confused "What?" Kai: "Sir, aren't you being a little harsh–" Ron: "Don't let them get inside your mind, son! That's how they break you." Caitlin: "I just put them down for a second to rest!" Ron: "So you were loitering!" Caitlin: "No!" and Ron get into a tugging match over the bag. Jen joins in on Caitlin's side. Ron: "Officer Kai! Assistance!" Kai rolls his eyes and helps Ron out. The bag tears and splits, spilling Caitlin's purchases onto the mall floor. They are indeed pumps, shorts, and a bikini. Caitlin begins picking them up. Ron: "Do you have receipts for these?" Caitlin: "Yes! They are not bombs, and they are not stolen!" Jen: "This is harassment! Why don't you find some real criminals? Oh yeah, it's because you're not a real cop." this, Kai chuckles until Ron eyes him suspiciously. Ron then turns his attention back to the two girls. Ron: "Contempt of a security officer! That's a violation of–" Jen: "Oh just give me the ticket." ---- walks up to the escalator, skateboard in hand. He looks down it and grins. Ron: a ticket at him "No riding skateboards on the escalators!" Jude: "I was carrying it, dude." Ron: "But you were thinking about how good it would be to ride down, enh?" Jude: about it and chuckling "Awesome." Ron: a new ticket "Conspiracy to ride a skateboard down the escalator! Gotcha!" Jude: "Aw, man." ---- gang are gathered around the table. Jonesy: "This rent-a-cop thing is really starting to bug me." Caitlin: "Me too! I was not gonna let him put his paws all over my new pumps. His partner, on the other hand, is really dreamy." Jonesy: "Focus! This situation is totally out of control! The time for rent-a-cops to harass teenagers has come to an end!" Jude: "I could not agree more, dude." Caitlin: "Definitely." Jen: "Yes." Wyatt: "Honestly." Nikki: "Seriously." Ron: "Oh, maggots. You're having a little party to discuss me, are you?" Jen: "We were having a private conversation." Ron: "Well, this is a public space!" shoves Jude's skateboard off of the table. Jude: "Hey, watch the deck, bro." Ron: "That's it! You're all going on report for disturbing the peace, illegal misuse of mall furniture, and just because–" Jude's face "I don't like you. You got anything to say about that...bro?" Jude: gulping "I have to go to the bathroom?" backs away from the security officer, starts walking, and quickly breaks into a run. Ron: "You maggots have had the run of this place for twenty years." Caitlin: "But we're only sixteen!" Ron: "Quiet! Now it's my turn. You've called down the thunder, and I'm going to strike like lightning!" Wyatt: unimpressed "Uh, technical point? Lightning comes before thunder." Ron: "Congratulations, bookworm. You're officially on probation." Wyatt: "I–" Ron: "Zip it! I'll be watching you." leaves the table, allowing the remaining five teens to resume their conversation. Wyatt: stunned "I'm being punished for my grasp of meteorology?" Jonesy: the table "That's it! We've gotta do something about him once and for all!" Jen: "But what? The only way we'll be rid of him is if he gets fired, and that's never going to happen. He's the head security guy." Jonesy: "You're right! They'll never fire him. So we're gonna force him into early retirement. Here's what we're gonna do..." whispers his freshly hatched plot to the table. ---- meets the boys by Underground Video. Jonesy is wearing lederhosen. Darth: "I like your outfit, Jonesy. Who's your tailor? Hansel from Dusseldorf?" Jonesy: "This is my new uniform for the Strudel Station, and it just so happens that chicks dig it." Greeter Goddess: by "Nice outfit, loser." Jonesy: a beat "I think we all know who she was talking to. So, have you got it?" Darth: a remote from his pocket "Push this button, and all of the security alarms in the mall will go off at once." reaches for it. "Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast. Do you have what I want?" snaps his fingers, and Jude hands Darth a VHS. Darth gasps. Darth: awed "George Lucas's Bar Mitzvah tape!" walks away carrying it. Jude: "That dude needs to get out more." Jonesy: "Focus, guys! Are we ready to initiate Operation: Get Ron Retired?" Wyatt: "Check." Jude: "Totally check." Jonesy: "All right. Let's make some noise." ---- the security station, Ron is flexing his muscles while he watches the monitors. Ron: "Look at them. They're like pythons." Kai: "Yeah. Sure." Ron: "No wait! They're like cobras. Coiled to strike. Ssssss. Ssssss." start ringing. "We've got threat indicators. Every fire alarm in the mall is going off. That's impossible. Unless..." spots the guys making faces at a security camera. "I knew it! Officer Kai, you hold down the fort, I've got some teenage maggot butt to kick." ---- rushes up to the front of Underground Video. Ron: "WHERE ARE THEY!" drives by in Ron's security cart, dragging Jude along behind the cart on his skateboard. Jonesy: "Hey Ron! You thought we were badly behaved before?" rushes over to an old man and knocks him off of his scooter. Ron: "I'm commandeering this vehicle." Jude: through the mall "Woo-hoo-hoo!" Stuart Goldstein: "What the–hey!" chases them. They go by the Khaki Barn, where Nikki is setting out a set of clothes just outside. Jude: "Yo, Nikki!" pushes the rack forward, straight into Ron's path. Ron rides through it. Kirsten: devastated "He ruined our intimates collection!" Ron: bra covering his eyes "You can't escape, maggots! I know this mall inside-out!" drive by the ice cream shop, where Caitlin is getting a cone. Jonesy: "Coming through!" sticks her hand out, cone in it, straight into Ron's path. Ron rides into her ice cream cone. Caitlin: "Oops." hi-fives the teenager working the stand. blinks, clearing his eyes. He looks up just in time to see he's going to ride into the men's restroom. Ron: inside the bathroom "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" sounds are heard as Ron gets in the wreck. When he comes out, he has a toilet seat slung around his neck. His hair is disheveled and he looks tired. At that moment, a shower comes on over him, trying to put out the nonexistent fire. Jude and Jonesy point and laugh at Ron. Jude: "That was so righteous!" Jonesy: him "That was one for the books! But boy, do we have something good planned for tomorrow." Jude: "Ooh! Are we flooding the Gigantoplex, or laying sod in the food court?" Ron: broken "Alright maggots. I'm too old for this. You win. I quit." walks off, depressed. Jonesy and Jude: "Woo-hoo-hoo!" ---- the lemon, a huge party is going on. Blade and Christo are in attendance and are cheering Jude and Jonesy. Caitlin: "You guys did it!" Nikki: "Nice work!" Jonesy: Jude "To a new era of freedom." Jude: a speech "Together we will skateboard down the escalators of democracy! We will sip from the giant slurp of justice! We will enjoy the delicious tuckle of doing things that Ron didn't want us to do! Dudes. Lady dudes. This is our independence day!" crowd cheers him. Ron, cleaning out his office, watches sadly from afar. ---- Jude: "Hey." Kai: "Hey." Kai, the next few hours are spent hanging out and enjoying his job. All the teens are cool with him, and he gets to do whatever he wants. Jude, meanwhile, is taking advantage of the newfound freedom by skating down the escalators at every turn. Growing bold, he snatches someone's food away while still skating after one leap down the escalators. Starr: "Wow, you're really flexible." Jude: "You know it, babe." looks forward. "aaaaAAAAAHHHH–" slams face-first into the Big Squeeze. The lemon top slams shut, and Jude lies on the floor, hurt. Jonesy: Kai, who was talking to Caitlin "Uh-oh. That was an accident." Kai: "Don't worry about it." Jonesy: "Ha! I love this guy! C'mon, I'll buy you a pretzel." leads Kai away. Caitlin: in the lemon "Kai? Jonesy? Anyone?" Nikki, and Darth walk up to the table. Nikki: "I had no idea how much better life could be without Ron." Wyatt: up Jude "You said it." Serena: "Hi Wyatt." startled, drops Jude and turns to his ex. Wyatt: "Serena! Uh, hi." Serena: "You look good." Wyatt: "I know. I mean, yeah, thanks. Uh, so do you." Serena: "Thanks. Did you see that Jumping Off a Boat came out?" Wyatt: "Yeah, I, uh, I thought about you. You said you wanted to go see it." Serena: "I thought about you too. Isn't it great that we can think about these things without it being awkward?" Wyatt: awkwardly "Yeah. Not awkward at all." Serena: "Well Chad and I are going to see it tonight, so I'll let you know if it's any good. See you Wyatt." leaves. Wyatt gapes after her, let down, and sighs. He takes his seat. Wyatt: "Still kinda hard for me." Nikki: sarcastic "Really? It doesn't show." Darth: "You obviously still love her." Nikki: "Why are you here?" Darth: "I am drawn to you like a Jedi to the force, young Padwan." Nikki and Wyatt: "Leave." Darth: "Okay." leaves. Wyatt: "I have to let her know I still have feelings for her." Nikki: "Have you been eating stupid sandwiches again? The girl knows how you feel. Trust me." Caitlin: on the lemon "Help! Hey!" sighs, ignoring her. ---- is working when Ron walks up in civilian clothing, looking disheveled. Caitlin: "AAH! What do you want? Don't come any closer, or I'll call mall security!" Ron: broken "Just a lemonade. Nothing more." Caitlin: "Huh?" him "Ron the Rent-a-Cop? Is that you?" Ron: "It's me. You may not have recognized me in my civilian clothing." Caitlin: "What happened to you?" sighs and sits down on a barstool by the Big Squeeze. Ron: "Oh, nothing. I've just lost the will to live. I'm not fit for combat. They might as well just put me out of my misery right now." Caitlin: "No! What about your personal life? Friends?" Ron: "I tried arresting my cat. Mr. Snuffles. But the handcuffs were too big for his little paws." Caitlin: him a drink "Okay, well what do you do for fun? Any hobbies?" Ron: "Lately I've been staring at the walls quite a bit." Caitlin: "Okay, I know you're supposed to be our sworn enemy, but I can't stand to see you like this. You need a new job." Ron: "Who'd hire a washed-up bum like me?" thinks and hits upon an idea. ---- is wearing a pink apron. Salesgirl: "He seems a bit, um, rough around the edges for Frilly and Pink." Caitlin: "Just let him try. I think he'll do really well!" sees a girl checking out a blouse and rushes over to help. Ron: "Good choice, ma'am. That dress is great for so many reasons. It's sleeveless, making it great for grappling and close combat. Yeah. And the lining makes good compression bandages for seeping wounds." tears off a piece and shows it to her. "Yeah." out a pair of pantyhose "Get a pair of these, and you could use them as a garrote. You're all set for urban assault duty, soldier." girl screams and runs out of the store. Caitlin: to the angry salesgirl "What'd I tell you?" ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is reading a magazine. Caitlin leads Ron inside. Caitlin: "Don't worry, you'll fit right in. Hi Nikki! Look who's here!" grabs her by the throat. "Eep!" Nikki: whispering "What is Officer Psycho doing here?" Caitlin: whispering "We've gotta help him, he's a wreck!" and Caitlin look over at him. Ron begins folding shirts. Nikki: whispering "Yeah. I'm gonna file that under not my problem." Caitlin: whispering "But we made him lose his job! And apparently he doesn't have much else in his life." Nikki: whispering "No way, I'm not working with him." and Kirsten walk up to Ron. Kirsten: "Ew, who are you? That's not the way we fold the T-shirts!" Ron: assertive "I was folding shirts in the jungle when you two were in diapers! But you're right. I shouldn't be folding shirts. You should be! Now!" and Kirsten, cowed, fold for him. "Fold it fold it fold it fold it fold it! I wanna see those shirts so tight I could bounce a quarter off of them. Do. You. Get me?" Kirsten: "Yeah, whatever?" Ron: "Not yeah, whatever. Yes sir! Let's try that again. DO YOU GET ME!" Kristen and Kirsten: frightened "Sir yes sir!" Ron: "That's more like it! Let's see laps around the teen section now!" Kristen and Kirsten: "Aaah!" run to do Ron's bidding. Nikki: "On second thought, leave him with me for a while." ---- and Mandy walk up to Wayne. Gwen: "Excuse me, sir?" Wayne: "Girls Gone Gaga? Yeah, that's not a real film. There's no fights, no stabbing. Try Highway of Guts." and Mandy walk out, past Jonesy. Jonesy: "Ladies." Gwen and Mandy: "Humph!" Jonesy: "Gah! You're back!" has led Ron into the store. Nikki: "Jonesy, Ron needs a job." Jonesy: "But why here?" Nikki: "I tried the Khaki Barn, but I had to get him out of there. He was planning an amphibious assault against Banana Village." walks over to Wayne, who is watching a war movie. Ron: "Is this Bridge to Excruciating Violence starring Max Fight?" Wayne: with a quote just as the scene comes up "You make me wanna puke, you slimy no-good cowlicking scumsucker." Ron: "I'm gonna make you eat every one of those words. With a side order of knuckles! You stinkmonkey." Wayne: "Wow. You sure know your war movies." Ron: "I should. I've lived them. Sometimes my mom and I, we'd reenact famous battles in the backyard." Wayne: "Well alright, I guess you could work in the blood n' guts section." Ron: "I'll take it." Wyatt: whispering "This can't be happening!" Jude: whispering "It's like dogs making out with cats!" Ron: up to them "I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of this. You guys are the best." his arms on their shoulders "So, what are we doing tonight?" Wyatt: "We?" Ron: "Caitlin mentioned we were going to a movie." gulps. "I'm looking forward to it." and Wyatt gape at each other. ---- is cleaning the counter when Jude walks up to her. Jude: "What's this about Ron coming out with us tonight?" Jonesy: up "How are we supposed to scam popcorn?" walks up. Jude: "And free drinks?" Jonesy: "And chicks, when he's with us?" Caitlin: "You guys'll be fine. He's not that bad." Wyatt: "Wait a minute. You guys?" Caitlin: "Yeah. I'll be at Sarah's party with Kai." Jonesy: "No. You've gotta fix this Caitlin. Tell him no." Caitlin: "I'm sorry, he just looked so sad and he has like no friends and his cat won't even let him arrest her!" Jude: "What?" Jonesy: Wyatt "Dude! You've gotta convince Ron that he doesn't wanna hang with us!" Wyatt: "Me? Come on, guys. After what we did to him? It's just one night. Maybe he's not so bad." Jonesy: "I am not spending my Saturday nights with him because you wimped out. And you're better at breaking bad news to people." Wyatt: "Fine. But what do I tell him?" Jonesy: "Just tell him Jude farts a lot." Jude: "I do not." farts. Caitlin: "Jude!" Jonesy: "Ugh!" chuckles. ---- and Wyatt are at Grind Me. Ron: "I don't like these foamy, effeminate, girly drinks." takes a sip. "Give it to me black. And straight." looks at Ron oddly. A server comes up to them. Barista: "Can I get you anything else?" Wyatt: "Another skinny lattecino?" stares at him angrily, and Wyatt deepens his voice. "With an extra shot." barista writes down his order and walks back to start making the drink. Ron: "So, what'd you want to talk to me about, buddy?" Wyatt: "Well, I–" crosses his field of vision. "Uh...uh...well..." Ron: "What's wrong with you, son?" Wyatt: "Oh, it's just a girl I used to be with. She's moved on, but I haven't." and Charmaine giggle at the counter. Ron and Wyatt look at them. Ron: "Is that the girl? You want me to talk to her?" Wyatt: "No!" puts down his mug. Ron: "Let me talk to her." stands up. "Yo, cute girl at the counter!" stops talking and looks over. "Yeah, you! What is your major malfunction, soldier! He loves you!" makes a choking noise. Serena blinks. "So fall in love with him! Again! Right now! Do you hear me!" Serena: out of the coffee shop "AAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!" Wyatt: "Serena!" Ron: "You can thank me later." slaps Wyatt's butt and walks out. "See you tonight, sport." ---- gang are gathered around the table. Caitlin: "He's only hanging around us because he has no life." Jen: "That's it! We have to get him to take his own job back." Jonesy: sighing "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I know how." ---- is by the security office, wearing black clothes and a headset. She sees Caitlin charming Kai. Behind his back, Caitlin flips Jen a thumbs-up, and Jen enters the office. She holds up a CD. Jen: her headset "What am I looking for again?" Darth: Nikki "The main hard drive." Jen: "What?" Darth: "The one with the most lights!" Jen: "Got it." puts the CD into a slot. "Done." Darth: "The virus should upload into the mall mainframe in a few seconds." Kai is showing off his flexibility by making poses for Caitlin, with his back to his workplace. Caitlin: "Wow! That was really something." Caitlin plucks his keys from his belt without him noticing. Jen runs out of the security office. In the food court, Ron is sitting alone. Suddenly, a loud alarm boops. Ron: "That's a level seven alarm situation! I've got to go. But–" depressed "I'm not the law here anymore." runs up, dressed normally. Jen: begging "We need you, Ron Rent-a-Cop! Please?" Ron: "Darn it, you're right! I have a mall to save." gets up and starts running towards the security office. Outside, Kai has heard the alarm as well. Kai: "'Scuse me, I just gotta turn these off." himself "Uh oh." Caitlin: "What's wrong? Lose something?" Kai: "My keyring! The mall security officer's most important tool!" runs through the mall, which is filled with panicked people. Ron: "Remain calm, everyone!" comes to Grind Me. Wyatt, faking panic, leaps into his arms. Wyatt: "Save us! You're the only one who can!" drops him. "Ow!" Ron: "I've got to get to the security office." Jude: "Let's roll, dude!" and Jonesy ride by on Ron's security vehicle. Jude tosses out his skateboard, which is tied to the vehicle. Ron catches it and gets on, letting it tow him to his destination. He passes Super Terrific Happy Sushi. Hiro: "Baka no teenager!" comes to the security office and leaps off. He bursts through the door. Ron: "Keys, private! Now!" Kai: "I can't find them, sir!" Ron: angry "You lost your keys, soldier? We'll talk about this later." quietly slips over to a corner of the room and drops the keys on the floor. Caitlin: "Oh look, there they are!" picks up the keys and grins. He plugs them into the main piece of hardware and turns them. The alarms shut off. Ron: victorious "I'm back, baby." ---- gang and Kai are hanging out by the Big Squeeze. Kai is in a familiar pink apron. Jonesy: "Ah. All seems right in the world again." Jude: "Yeah. And Ron's not coming to the movies with us tonight." Caitlin: "Except Kai lost his job." Jonesy: "Don't feel bad, dude. I got fired today too." Kai: "No worries, I got a job at Pink and Frilly." Caitlin: "Oh no! You're going to have to quit. The uniform? Total turn-off." Ron: up "Feet off the table!" teens groan. "Heh. Just, uh, kidding. This time." kids skateboard by him. "Hey! Come back here, punk!" gives chase. Jen: "Guess everything's back to normal." Nikki: "Well...not everything." ---- the Khaki Barn, Chrissy and Kristen are folding clothes under Kirsten's watchful glare. Kirsten: "You call that a fold? Gimme twenty, now!" two girls under her command drop and start doing push-ups. Category:Season 2